For my reflection time
I chose to spend time at the Legacy Emanuel Children’s garden. I never realized
just how much this garden means to me and my family. This garden became a very
special place in 2010 when my 18month old son became very ill and no one knew
why. My husband and I spent weeks in the hospital our baby endured test after
test, poke after poke, searching for what was wrong. We had many sleepless
nights throughout our stay. After one very long night I told my husband I was
going to the chapel to pray instead I found the children’s garden. It was a gorgeous sunny day the garden was
full of birds and butterflies it was so peaceful. Over the years the children’s
garden has been a place of peace and comfort during the darkest days and a
place of joy and celebration on some of the happiest days of my life.
I decided I would go to
the garden for two hours of reflection, while my son was in and out of
appointments. This month has been particularly stressful so I was looking
forward to just sitting and reminiscing on the past and dreaming of the future.
As I sat there with no one around, I went into my own mind and really let me
self-think and feel for the first time in years. I present myself as a strong,
happy person who handles it all with a smile. I have always thought of crying
as a sign of weakness, I realize now it is not. As I sat there thinking about
where we have been and how far we have come, the tears began to fall. There was
no one around I could just be sad and it was ok. The garden is where I came
when I didn’t think my little boy would live. I came here when I was angry at
the world and just wanted to know why. I haven’t reflected much on the past
just always focused on trudging forward.
I wanted this experience
to be a healing process to look back to the dark times and the good times. I started
thinking back to the first time our son was ever admitted to legacy Emanuel children’s
hospital my son was just three days old. He was sick but through his sickness I
found peace and silence God used this time for me to bond with my son to truly appreciate
the gift of life. In general I’m a very busy person always on the go. After
just 28 hours in the hospital and giving birth to my son I was off to take my
sister to her appointments and my niece to her playgroup I have always been the
glue that held my family together. When my son got sick at 3 days old I
realized I have to slow down and enjoy today. We went home after a few days and
had an amazing 18 months of fun and joy before our worlds turned upside down again.
This time I knew something was very wrong with my son and I needed the doctors
to listen. They realized my son was in what the call status he was in a
constant state of seizures we were rushed to the intensive care unit and he was
given some very strong meds. As the seizure stopped three days later my 18month
old active happy boy was gone back to the state of an infant I was shattered.
What did they do to my baby? What was happening? He couldn’t walk or talk, He couldn’t
even swallow. I was hopeless, as he was wheeled to anesthesia for a brain mri I
saw that children’s garden again. Once he was in the doctor’s arms I ran
through those dark lonely halls to get to that garden. I sat and was comforted
by the beauty around me I was at peace and I knew what ever was ahead I had a
Mighty God who would be there by my side. I knew this was all part of a story
written before my son was ever born. The garden reminded me that even in the
darkest places there is beauty. I had a new mission and that was to turn my son’s
illness into education and hope.
Sitting on the bench in the garden I saw a butterfly it flew
over and landed on my hand the beauty. I began reflecting on the happy times in
the children’s garden. I will never forget that day in July when the doctors
came it was bad news after bad news my son needed brain surgery and quick. My
head was spinning, I was sick my son had just started to emerge from this
infant state how could I let him go through brain surgery? I took him for a
walk to the garden for some mommy and baby time. He hadn’t walked in weeks but
he wanted out of the wagon, as I lifted him out I felt the strength of his legs
push against me. I was confident he could stand, so I lowered him to the ground
and he took off not only could my baby stand he could walk not well but he was
off. I was so happy what a celebration my baby was coming back the joy I felt
that day. About an hour into sitting in the garden the sun began so shine
through the dark clouds and it reminded me of the hope I feel here. I was still
crushed about my sons brain surgery early one morning before the sun had risen
I went down to the garden I was overwhelmed this was the big day my baby was
going to have brain and back surgery. I was scared and felt all alone even in a
place full of people. Sitting out in the garden as the sun rose and the bright sun
rays shown upon my face I felt the warmth and began to find peace again. I
decided I needed a different way to look at things. I was not just handing my
baby off to scary doctors and he wasn’t going to be laying in a dark cold
operating room, no instead I was handing him off to angles on earth the doctors
and nurses who would care for my son as if he where there’s. As I thought of
the bright operating room lights that would soon shine on my son, I felt as
though those where the lights of heaven shining on my little guy as God would
be there guiding the surgeons hands. I was ok now I could go back upstairs and
walk my baby to brain surgery; I truly had a peace that surpassed all
understanding.
This simple little
garden in the heart of the hospital has had a huge impact on my life. I have
found peace and comfort in the darkest of days and celebrated such triumphs and
been filled with joy all in one place. Today I learned I need to take more time
to reflect and be still. I also learned the last few years have been filled
with many mountains to climb but many beautiful valleys to see from a top of
those mountains. I learned that God is always there walking beside me and I
should always run to him in my time of fear or celebration.
